Why Not Wait Until the Couple is Ready? Does it have to be on the Wedding Night?

In our last post, we described the custom to allow a couple to take their time before having the "first intercourse" after their wedding.  This was apparently widespread among Ashkenazi Europe at least until the time of Rabbi Yonatan Eybuschitz (1690-1764).  We also read about the concerns of the Rama and Rabbi Eybuschitz that this would lead to sexual behavior between the newlyweds that they considered unbecoming of a groom who was concerned about his spiritual welfare (A "Ba'al Nefesh").

This custom, if it was still the norm, would allow for what the many therapists in the Zoom panel I referred to back in the beginning of this thread had recommended.  The therapists were all concerned about the pressure put on young couples to have "complete" intercourse right away. They were concerned that this does not allow for a young and inexperienced couple to take their time until they are ready.  The precedent this sets for the marriage is a serious concern, and again I recommend that you listen to the panel discussion if you haven't done so already.

So what happened to this custom? Why did it virtually disappear in the world of Halacha observant Jewry? It has become almost universal in Chareidi Orthodoxy today to assume that the "Be'ilat Mitzvah" - the first intercourse, must be done as soon as possible and most preferably on the night of the wedding. In the last two or three centuries, there has been a proliferation of literature that condemns the practice of waiting until the couple are more comfortable, and upholds this idea.  I cannot possibly survey all of the literature in this blog, but i will bring the primary sources that explain how the practice of allowing the couple time before the first intercourse became condemned and eventually thrown into the dustbin of Halachic history.

This historic process began quite soon after the writing of the Rama which we quoted in our last post. Rabbi Shabetai ben Meir HaKohein (1621-1662) (otherwise known as the "Shach" after his commentary on the SA called Siftei Kohein)  is the first to level an attack against this custom. First, we need to describe the context of the Shach's comments. The SA is discussing what happens if a bride and groom have not yet had intercourse, and she begins to menstruate after the marriage ceremony has been completed (my translation):

...and similarly a groom who (married when his bride was not menstruating) then his new bride began menstruating before they had intercourse, he should not remain alone with her, but rather he should sleep among his male friends, and the bride should sleep among her female friends (out of concern that they will not be able to resist the temptation of sexual intercourse with each other) (SA YD 192:4)

The Rama then amends this  (my translation):

note: some say that they do not require any special guarding (and they may sleep together in the same room privately and we can trust the young couple to keep the laws of niddah even though they have not yet had sexual intercourse) but one who is stringent in this matter is blessed. (Rama YD 192:4

The Shach was clearly wondering in what type of scenario such an occurrence might happen.  If the groom and bride are together the first night, why haven't they had intercourse yet before her period started? He assumes that the most likely reason this has occurred must be because they are in keeping with the custom of the time.  The custom was to wait and give the couple time to get used to each other before actually having sex.  Given this understanding,  he writes as follows (my translation):

...and it seems that nowadays since the custom is not to have the first intercourse until after several days after the marriage, even though this custom is a foolish custom, and has (potential) prohibitions for various reasons, and it would be a good idea to abolish (this custom) nonetheless since this is the prevalent custom, therefore if (they wait too long and) she begins to menstruate certainly they should separate because the reason he hasn't had intercourse right away is because of the custom, and such is the custom (Shach, YD 192:11)

Several points can be derived from the words of the Shach:

1. The custom of waiting before the first intercourse and giving the newlyweds time to get to know each other first was widespread and was the prevalent custom among Ashkenazi Jews. It was still the prevalent custom during the 17th century, the era of the Shach.
2. The Shach did not like this custom and thought it was foolish and should be abolished ... but there is no historic record of the Shach ever attempting to abolish this custom. We have no record of such a decree or attempt to abolish the prevalent custom by the Shach
3. The Shach felt that the custom was foolish because it could potentially lead to sin for "many reasons" but he does not state what these reasons are.

So what are the reasons that the Shach felt that that this could lead to sins and that he therefore felt it was a foolish custom (but was still not willing to do anything substantive to actually change it)? We can only make an educated guess by searching the context of his words.  The first and most likely reason is the one that the Rama himself hinted to.  He was concerned that the young couple was going to "play around" (I know this term isn't the most academic, and it sounds a little coarse, but I can't think of a more accurate translation for the word "Mesachek" as it is used by the Rama).  The young couple now have finally been given the permission and privacy necessary to spend time getting to know each other on a physical level.  While in modern times we would be more likely to consider this a positive and natural thing, during the 17th century the Shach was worried about a lack of concern for holiness.

Another reason might be the very concern that the SA was discussing in 192:4 that we just quoted.  If you give the couple more time, there is an increased risk that the bride may begin menstruating. Then the possibility that the new couple might violate the rules of Niddah becomes more likely.

Given the context of the Shach, the SA and the Rama, these are the most likely reasons that the Shach was concerned about this custom of waiting.  

However, those of you that have been following this blog for the last few months may already be harboring a suspicion deep in the back of your mind that something more sinister is about to sneak up upon us. There is a huge pink Gorilla in the room. When the young couple are allowed to explore and learn and develop the physical aspect of their relationship, there is certainly a significant chance that something else may happen. The young man may "spill seed"....

Please refer back to my discussion before regarding the topic of "spilling seed as we discussed it extensively. The fact is that the widespread custom in Ashkenazi Europe prior to the advent of the Chassidic movement in the late 17th century was to wait some time until the couple were ready to have intercourse..  This is pretty clear evidence that the concern over male masturbation and spilling seed was not a big issue.  This changed dramatically as the mystical teachings of Lurianic Kabbalah penetrated into the Jews of eastern Europe, mostly facilitated by the Chassidic movement.

Once the sin of masturbation became well established in eastern European Jewry, we would not be surprised if the commentators would assume that the "many sins" that the Shach was worried about was the sin of spilling seed.  Indeed we find that this is exactly what happened.  For this reason, it suddenly became imperative that vaginal intercourse become established as soon as possible.  As it is the only acceptable manner in which the new husband can fulfill his sexual desires with his new wife.

Indeed, the Rabbi Samuel ben Nathan Loewe-Kellin (1720-1806) in his work "Machatzit HaShekel" is the first to explain the Shach this way, and gives us an insight as to why the custom of waiting before the first intercourse eventually became abolished (my translation):

... (the Rama writes) that one who is stringent (and does not allow the bride and groom to sleep together if she becomes a niddah prior to the couple having their first sexual intercourse) is considered blessed, then (the Shach comments) that this (the custom of waiting before the first intercourse should be) prohibited for many reasons, this is because we are afraid that he may intentionally have an erection and end up spilling seed ...(Machatzit HaShekel, Hilchot Niddah 192:8)

So Rabbi Kellin has thus established what he felt the concern of the Shach really was. This is despite the obvious reasons of the Shach that are much more likely based on the context of his comment. According to Rabbi Kellin, the concern is much different. If we allow the bride and groom to wait before intercourse, then we are afraid that the new husband may become guilty of "spilling seed".  However, it is also evident from his words, that the custom of waiting was still prevalent in his time, and the new stringencies had not yet taken hold in the population.

Needless to say, as Lurianic kabalistic ideas became more and more influential in the mainstream, the previous custom of waiting became attacked more and more by the authorities.  The view that the Be'ilat Mitzvah had to be done as soon as possible on the wedding night took hold.  By the early 20th century. the deal was sealed.

There are many many examples of rabbinic works that codify the rules based on this idea, all after the time of the Machatzit Hashekel.  I cannot possibly quote them all, and I cannot possibly in this blog track the hundreds of books of the topic of Niddah which clearly record the assertion that I just made. However, I will give an important example. This example is important because it is extremely typical of this phenomenon and illustrates what I am trying to point out very clearly.

Rabbi Yisroel Yitzchak Yanovsky, a prominent rabbi in Prague in the early 20th century, wrote an influential work on the laws of Niddah which was published in 1910 called "Taharat Yisroel".  This work was influential and often quoted in further works on the topic, and reflects the rabbinic opinions and practices that had become accepted by the early 20th century.  Regarding our topic he writes as follows (my translation):

The Groom should be extremely careful not to allow himself to wait before performing the Be'ilat mitzvah (the first intercourse) and he should make sure to have full intercourse on the first night (of his marriage) (Taharat Yisrael, Chukat hataharah 193:3)

In his explanatory note he writes as follows (my translation):

...(the reason is) because God forbid he may cause himself to spill seed, may God protect us, and (as is known) the first children often die due to this sin (he brings a source from the Zohar) (Taharat Yisroel , Be'er Yitzchak 193:10) 

So now we have it.  I would like to point out the following:

1. At least until the 17th century, the accepted custom was to wait a few days, or as long as the newlyweds needed, before having the first intercourse
2. The "sin" of "spilling seed' became accepted as a terrible sin among the Jews of Europe. This coincided with the acceptance of Lurianic kabbala and the Zohar. The rabbis became extremely concerned that if the bride and groom wait too long, then their activities together in private may results in this "terrible sin"
3. The language we have seen used by Rabbi Yanovsky in 1910, that "The groom must be extremely careful not to allow himself to wait .. and he should make sure to have full intercourse on the first night" is completely and utterly new in rabbinic literature, and did not arise until after the Machatzit Hashekel that we just quoted was the first to link the "problematic" custom of giving the couple time to the "sin" of spilling seed.
4. The fear tactics used by Rabbi Yanovsky are frankly very disturbing, and they come directly from the Zohar. The idea that ejaculating extravaginally during the first few days of marriage will cause one's children to die God forbid, is awfully frightening to say the least. 

Allow me to make another point extremely clear. If we would simply rule according to the Rama, who is considered the preeminent and standard codifier of Halacha for the Ashkenazic community, then the custom would be exactly as it was in the days of the Rama.  That is, we would allow the bride and groom time and not pressure them to have "complete intercourse" on the night of of their wedding. Once they have "complete intercourse", however long that may take them, she would be considered a niddah and need to count 7 days and immerse in a Mikveh before being allowed again to be in physical contact with her husband.

What I am about to say in this paragraph requires that you read my entire thread on the topic of masturbation first.  If you haven't read it, please do not even bother to read this paragraph. But this must be said.  If the purpose of waiting as much time as the young couple needs is in order to facilitate the development of a healthy sexual relationship then if the husband happens to ejaculate during this time there is no sin of spilling seed.  If the purpose of waiting is in order to help the couple learn how to have a normal pleasurable sexual relationship that is pleasurable for both parties in this marriage, then spilling seed is simply not a sin at all.  If the purpose is not to "play around" in an immodest way (like the Rama was concerned about) but rather it is to build a healthy basis for a future Jewish couple and family, than it is a mitzvah to wait, not God forbid a sin.  

In my next post I am going to question the assumption that if there is no bleeding, that they must separate after the first "complete intercourse".  It seems so far that even the Rama agrees that we should be stringent and not rely on those opinions who do not require separation once there is a "complete" act of intercourse.  But it is far from simple. Hold on to your seats please.