The Myth of Hymenal Bleeding and Allowing Newlyweds not to Separate After "The First Time"

I want to apologize for not doing the weekly Parsha post this week.  As you can see, I've gotten sidetracked with the issue of "the First Time" and I only have so much time in the day to do this blog.  Please forgive me.

I have so far identified the Rambam, the Rif, and the Ra'avad as Rishonim who only considered a new bride as a Niddah if there was actual bleeding during the first intercourse.  I would now like to add another source that I found this morning.  Rabbi Eliezer ben Samuel of Metz (died 1175) writes as follows (my translation):

the laws of the blood of the hymen, even though it comes from the sides (of her vagina and not the uterus) and is pure, nonetheless the Sages prohibited the couple from having a second intercourse in order that one doesn't confuse it with the blood of the uterus, as it says in Niddah (he goes on to quote the gemara that one must separate after the first intercourse) ...(Sefer Yereim 26:8)

Rabbi Eliezer of Metz is an early Ashkenazi Posek and  there are two important points in his words:

1. He clearly writes that the Talmud is concerned about the blood of the hymenal tearing. There is no reference at all to a prohibition if there is no bleeding.  In this he is similar to the Rambam and the Rif who never recorded any prohibition of Niddah if there is no blood.  Since he lived before the Ramban, Rashba, Ritva, Ran, Rosh etc. who were the ones who introduced this idea that even without blood they need to be concerned,  this is not surprising at all.
2. Rabbi Eliezer of Metz assumed that the reason for the rabbinic prohibition of hymenal bleeding was because of the possibility of confusing this blood with true Niddah blood, not because of "rov" (majority)". 

Now we can add another prominent Rishon to our growing list of Poskim who did not see any need to separate unless there is bleeding on the first intercourse.

At risk of being repetitive, let me summarize the steps that got us to where we are, in chronological order. Feel free to skip this summary if you have been following the blog until now and have it all clear in your head.  

1. Hymenal bleeding is not menstrual blood, and therefore, according to the Mishna, a woman who has bleeding from her hymen is not considered a Niddah.  
2. The later Rabbis of the Talmud enacted a stringency that considered hymenal bleeding to be Niddah blood and therefore they decreed that after the first intercourse, if there is bleeding, the couple must separate as if she was a niddah.  Three possible reasons were given for this stringency
1. One possible reason, which is inferred in the Yerushalmi, was that there is a concern that maybe there is some menstrual blood mixed in with the hymenal blood, or that people may confuse the two types of blood. 
2. Another possible reason, is that the pain of hymenal tearing might induce uterine bleeding (Sefer Yereim) 
3. The third potential reason, was the concern that a new groom will not be able to differentiate between the different menstrual statuses of women at different ages, which was quite a complex set of rules, so they made a blanket prohibition on all hymenal bleeding (Rosh and others)
3. Once the Talmud established that we consider hymenal blood to have the status of menstrual blood, many Rishonim (Ramban, Rashba, Rosh and more) were of the opinion that the majority of women have hymenal bleeding on the first incidence of sexual intercourse. Therefore, they felt that even if the couple does not see any bleeding, we assume that there must have been a small amount of blood and it just got lost, and thus the couple must separate as if there was some bleeding.
4. Other Rishonim (Rambam, Rif, Ra'avad, Sefer Yereim) wrote that the only time a couple must separate is when there is actual bleeding at the time of the first intercourse. 
5. The SA was stringent and declared that the couple must separate after the first intercourse regardless of whether or not there was any bleeding, while the Rama cited the lenient opinions and felt that one need only be stringent after there was a complete and full intercourse, until then the couple may remain together and engage in sexual activities not including full intercourse

The Rishonim clearly state the reason why they require that the couple separate after the first intercourse even if there is no bleeding. They were concerned that there really was blood, but they just didn't see it. This goes against the usual principles of Chazakah (you always assume that a woman's status remains the same until you have proof otherwise) the Rishonim were still concerned. This was due to an assumption that the majority of women have hymenal bleeding upon the first incidence of sexual intercourse.  From the Talmud itself we have already demonstrated that it is clear that if there was no bleeding with the first intercourse that subsequent intercourse was completely permissible.  This is true even after the decree of Rav and Shmuel regarding the stringency that considered hymenal bleeding to be impure as if it were true uterine blood.

I will quote just a few examples that establish that this new stringency of the Rishonim was based solely upon this assumption:

even if they had intercourse and did not find any bleeding since most women do have bleeding from their hymen (at first intercourse) we suspect that maybe there really was a tiny drop of blood like (the size of) a mustard seed and it just got lost, or maybe it got covered up in the semen. (Rosh)

Even if the couple has intercourse and they did not find any blood at all, he still must separate from her , this is because most women have hymenal bleeding (at their first intercourse) so we suspect that she may have had a small drop of blood like a mustard seed and it got lost ... (Rashba Torat Habayit)

The assumption that most women experience hymenal bleeding with their first intercourse is now known to be completely false.

The misconception that women usually bleed with their first intercourse is a myth that was widespread during the times of the Rishonim.  It still remains widespread among many cultures and people today.  But it is scientifically verifiable that it is nothing more than a myth.  The overwhelming majority of women that engage in consensual intercourse for the first time do not experience any bleeding.  This is a simple fact. According to a study published in the British Medical Journal in 1998, 63% of women reported no bleeding at all with their first vaginal intercourse. That is a significant "rov" (halachic majority) of women that do not experience bleeding.

The reasons for this are many. I refer you to this nice post by Talli Rosenbaum that will help you understand.  After discussions with experts and life long experience as a physician, I can assure you that it is virtually certain that even the 63% number is probably too low.  I say this because most of the time, when there is bleeding with the first attempt at vaginal intercourse, it could have been avoided.

With proper foreplay, and with proper gentleness and patience and lubrication, almost always the hymen will stretch and accommodate the penis without any bleeding at all.  The best protection against bleeding is patience, communication, kindness, empathy and relaxation. This will lead in due time to a sexual encounter  that is full of love, tenderness, and mutual desire. The first time a couple has sex is always going to be awkward, challenging, and maybe even uncomfortable. But it does not have to be physically and emotionally painful, and full of bleeding and physical trauma. Much more important than the avoidance of bleeding is that this is a much healthier way to begin a sexual relationship. 

So the manner in which the act of intercourse is performed is the primary determining factor in whether or not there is going to be any bleeding.  But it is more than that. Many women have already stretched the hymen during the years of life preceding their wedding.  This could have been through exercise, bike riding, running, masturbating, using tampons or just self exploration.  Many women hardly even have a hymen or have none at all from birth.  Even with none of the above, the hymen is often soft and easily stretchable, and when treated gently with normal consensual sex it will typically not cause bleeding. On the other hand, on occasion a woman may have a little blood the first time. Occasionally the hymen does bleed a little with intercourse until it stretches enough to be no longer an issue. 

This stringency has caused untold harm and difficulties and sexual dysfunction for thousands upon thousands of inexperienced young Jewish couples.  Again I recommend listening to the Zoom Panel I have referred to several times. It is based on a mistake.

While this alone should be enough to change accepted practice back to what it originally was, there is still more.  To explain this, let us start with the words of the Ra'avad (who did not agree with the above stringency that requires separation even with no bleeding) himself. Until now I have been quoting him as quoted by the Hagahot Maimuniyot, but now let me quote his own words:

There are those who say that when the Gemara says, “he performs the mitzvah act of intercourse and separates,” it makes no difference if he had intercourse and found blood or if he had intercourse and did not find blood, for we are concerned that due to the pain of the [rupturing] of the hymen, uterine blood, which is impure, will flow. Others hold that [she is rendered a niddah]only when he had intercourse [with her] and discovered blood, but if no blood was discovered, he does not have to separate. It makes sense to be lenient in cases where she did a thorough checking in the “outer house” (vagina), and saw nothing red… And it appears to me that it was as a result of this stringency (to treat hymenal blood as menstrual blood), that the women of Rebbe’s household who crushed [their hymen with their fingers] had adopted such a practice (Yevamot 34b), so that no doubt should arise [that they might be a niddah] when they had the first act of intercourse. (ra'avad Balalei Hanefesh, Sha'ar Haperishah:3)

 Several important points must be noted:

1. As we already knew, the Ra'avad  held that the newlywed couple need not separate from each other unless there is bleeding
2. The Ra'avad assumes that the reason for the stringency of those who hold that a couple must separate even without bleeding is not because of a "Rov" (the assumption that most women have hymenal bleeding at first intercourse).  Rather, he assumes that they were concerned that hymenal tearing might cause pain that then might cause uterine bleeding!  He then dismisses this concern.  So the Ra'avad never even entertained the notion of "rov"!
3. The Ra'avad allows for another leniency.  When a woman uses her fingers prior to marriage to remove her hymen, she then would have the status of one who is no longer a halachic "virgin" and would therefore no longer even have to worry about separating after the first intercourse.

It is point number 3 which leads us to an entirely new Halachic line of reasoning.  If a woman who uses her own fingers is not considered a "halachic virgin" and need not separate from her new husband after the first intercourse, then we should be able to apply this leniency to all women in modern times. We can prove scientifically that the overwhelming majority of women today have either removed their hymen or rendered their hymen unlikely to bleed, or have been born with a hymen that is unlikely to bleed.  If this is so, then the majority of women would have the same halachic status as that which the Ra'avad gave to the women of rabbi's household.

The halacha of the Ra'avad, that a woman who through some action has "removed" her hymen prior to marriage no longer is considered a virgin in respect to this requirement to separate after the first intercourse, has been upheld by Rabbinic precedent.   Most prominently, the great 20th century Posek, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein writes:

I was asked about an individual who, when it was not possible for him to have the first act of intercourse with his wife because the opening (vagina) was exceedingly sealed, (this is a very rare condition where the vaginal opening is either closed off or almost closed off by the hymen, called "imperforate hymen" and it occurs in less than 1% of the population) and she needed a doctor to open the opening with an instrument and to remove the hymen, and if he doesn’t have intercourse on that day, the doctor said that there is a risk that it would seal again. Does this [the opening the hymen with an instrument] require that the couple separate until the woman has counted seven clean days and immersed [in a mikveh]?
I replied that she is permitted to her husband and does not require seven clean days and immersion. For, in actuality, the hymenal blood is in essence the blood of a wound [and should not, in principle, render the woman a niddah]. It was only when it was torn through intercourse that the Sages forbade [continued intercourse and physical touch], but not when it was ruptured by a stick or an instrument… Thus, the only case that we have [as problematic] is the case that the Sages forbade, which is only when the hymen is ruptured through intercourse.
Now, if as a result of his having intercourse with her after [this procedure], he (sic.) finds blood, then he must attribute it to the hymenal blood [with the standard law that] they will be required to separate until she counts seven clean days and immerses. If, however, he does not find blood, he is not required to separate, for we can assume that all the blood [of the hymen] has already exited [her body] as a result of the doctor’s procedure, even if the doctor says that he only made a small opening. (Iggrot Moshe, YD1:87)

Some points from Rabbi Feinstein:

1. In the event that we know that the hymen was removed by some source other than previous intercourse, we no longer apply the rule that one must separate even if there is no blood after the first intercourse
2. Rabbi Feinstein is not worried at all about the potential concern of there having been blood that might have come from the uterus which was mentioned by the Ra'avad, and he was also not worried that people might confuse the two.  This makes sense because the Poskim, as we have seen (including the Ra'avad himself) rejected these concerns
3. Rabbi Feinstein was still assuming that most women do have hymenal bleeding.  He had no reason to question the general rule of the Poskim that requires separation even without bleeding.

We only need to make a short jump from Rabbi Feinstein's decision regarding the case of the imperforate hymen to the general public.  Rabbi Feinstein was discussing a case where we know for a fact that someone (in this case a doctor) had removed the hymen. Rabbi Feinstein was still operating under the assumption that "most women" have hymenal bleeding at first intercourse, which we now know is false.  The Ra'avad himself also was discussing a case where we know for a fact that someone removed the hymen, in his case it was the women themselves in Rabbi's house. 

We now know that the majority of women are in this category as we just described in length. By using the same principle of "Rov" the halachic default assumption should be that every women be considered Halachically as if she has already had intercourse.  No one questions that a woman who already has engaged in sexual intercourse, either from a previous marriage or for whatever reason need not separate from her new husband after the first intercourse.  So it follows, using basic Halachic principles, that there is no reason for any modern woman to separate if there is no bleeding. The status of "Rov" should apply to all women.  

We should add the obvious as well.  The best way to make sure there is no bleeding is to be patient, allow the couple to take their time, and have intercourse when both the new bride and the new groom are ready.

However, there still will be some instances of hymenal bleeding, and in this minority of cases, the couple may be stringent and follow the rules of Niddah, even though it is not menstrual blood.  This would be in keeping with the decree of Rav and Shmuel as recorded in the Talmud. In the next post I will summarize the new "halachic paradigm shift" that my arguments that I have presented to you in this series would suggest.