Changing the Halachic "First Time" Paradigm

It is finally time to summarize our conclusions regarding this issue of "the first time".  I hope that most of you were able to follow our trip through the sources and arguments that led to the paradigm shift that I am going to argue for in today's post. I know that many readers just want the bottom line and will read this post alone, and I understand that.  Please remember though that I arrived at these conclusions only after a thorough review of the subject beginning from the verses in the Torah and following until the modern poskim.  All of my arguments were presented, source materials quoted, and my thinking has been completely transparent.

The mental health professionals can do a much better job describing this issue than I can, but I will first summarize the problem that inspired this blog series about "the first time".  The recent NetFlix series "Unorthodox" stimulated a large amount of discussion about sex in the Chareidi community. In a Zoom panel hosted by Talli Rosenbaum and Rabbi Scott Kahn, several mental health professionals who treat Chareidi couples discussed a wide range of sexual problems that are prevalent in the Chareidi world.  One of the most prominent issues they agreed upon, was the way Chareidi couples are taught the Halachot of the first intercourse, or the "Be'ilat Mitzvah".

There are many guidebooks in many languages that have been published in recent decades that summarize the Halachot of intimacy that are used in the Chareidi world today.  I am going to summarize the "rules" as they appear in f the many popular such books, as I cannot possibly quote them all.  I can assure you that what we are going to find here is extremely similar if not identical to what we will find in almost all books of this genre. This is a summary of the Halachot you will find regarding the wedding night:

1. If there is any bleeding on the first attempt at intercourse, the bride is considered a niddah and they must separate and count 7 clean days etc...
2. If they have complete intercourse and there is no bleeding, they still must separate and count 7 clean days etc..
3. The couple is encouraged to have intercourse as soon as possible, in order to accomplish the Be'ilat mitzvah and so that they no longer need to worry about the necessity of separating after intercourse (it will be impossible to have a normal physical relationship until the first intercourse is accomplished)
4. The couple is also discouraged from waiting and giving themselves time to explore and become more comfortable with each other prior to actually having intercourse due to the concern for "spilling seed" 

Assuming that this is actually the halacha has led to numerous sexual and relationship dysfunctions in the Halacha-observant world. I encourage you to listen to the zoom panel, and also to these podcasts here and here. I will summarize here some of the issues.

1.  Putting pressure on the couple to "get it done" is not a very healthy way to learn how to have sex.  
2. There is no emphasis on the discomfort such a mechanical approach to sex can cause to the new bride.  This can lead to the idea that sex is something she must endure and tolerate for the sake of the Mitzvah (or her new husband), rather than something that should be pleasurable.
3. It is not conducive to sexual arousal for most men either to be told that they must have sex.  This can often lead to concerns about erectile dysfunction in men who are actually completely normal and just need time to learn about normal sexual arousal with their partner.
4. The questions of whether or not they had "complete intercourse" etc.. leads to a very unhealthy dynamic of family and rabbinic involvement in the couples intimate affairs.
5. The psychological effects on the young couple can be devastating, each partner thinking there is something wrong with themselves, or leveling accusations against the other partner.
6. Taking two young adults, who barely even know each other, both of whom have had very limited exposure to the opposite gender at all, let alone knowledge of what is normal sexual behavior, and to expect them to go from "0 to 60" in one night is exceedingly unrealistic to say the least.   

The new halachic paradigm that I am recommending, based on all of the sources and arguments I have presented in this blog so far, would look as follows: 

1. The couple is educated, (preferably together - but in most Chareidi circles this will not be possible) in normal sexual behavior in an open and non judgmental way. This education must include:
1.  A detailed and anatomically correct understanding of both male and female anatomy
2. A detailed explanation of normal male and female physiologic sexual arousal and response
3. a detailed and clear understanding of how male and female sexuality are a normal part of the way healthy couples communicate with each other and build lifelong bonds of connection through mutual trust and mutual understanding
2. The couple should be taught that they should take their time to get to know each other after their wedding (in the Chareidi world this is generally not possible prior to the wedding).  This includes just simply talking to each other, getting to know each other etc.  When they feel comfortable, they should feel free to explore physical contact
3. A strong emphasis should be placed on the Halacha that it is absolutely prohibited to violate anyone elses body without consent.  That means that neither partner (usually the man but not necessarily) can tell the other, "You must do this because the Torah says ..." even kissing, holding, touching, etc.. all has to be when both parties are ready.
4. There is NO MITZVAH to have sex the first night, period.  The original custom should be restored that gives the Bride and Groom the time they need to be ready.
5. As long as there is no bleeding, the couple can and should remain together, and physical contact is completely appropriate. In fact, it should be viewed as the normal preparation for a lifelong healthy sexual relationship.
6. If as part of foreplay with each other the groom ejaculates, then this is just a normal part of the learning process as the new couple gets to learn about each other's bodies. The groom should be learning how to give his bride pleasure as well, if they were properly taught during their preparation for marriage. In short, just be normal and caring people.
7. Once they do have intercourse, if they are patient and take their time, there will likely not be any bleeding, they do not need to separate, for the following reasons:
1. They can rely upon the Rambam, Rif, Sefer Yereim, and Ra'avad who hold that there is only a need to separate if there actually is bleeding
2. Even according to the Rishonim (Ramban, Rashba, Rosh and more) that required separation when there is no blood
1. This stringency was based on the erroneous assumption that most women bleed, therefore this stringency no longer needs to be applied, or
2. Most women today should be considered in the category of a woman whose hymen has already been stretched and thus bleeding should not be suspected unless actual blood is seen
8. If there is vaginal bleeding at first intercourse, they should separate and keep the laws of Niddah as declared in the Talmud, even though this is not truly menstrual blood
9. There is no need to discuss with the rabbi or the Mother-in-law if the intercourse was "complete" or not, as this only matters if you assume that they must separate even when there is no blood.  Since the Halachah only requires separation when there is actual blood, the couple can easily figure that out themselves.

I would like to add another point that someone brought to my attention over this past Shabbat.  We quoted in the previous post the Ra'avad who mentioned that the women of the house of Rabbi Yehudah Hanassi used to remove their hymen digitally prior to their first intercourse.  This actually gives women another option to avoid the need to separate after the first intercourse.  By using a vaginal dilator, or asking a physician to do this, they can have the hymen stretched and removed prior to the wedding.  This would allow the couple to have sex as many times as they wish without any need for separation.

  

We have just established a Halachically valid foundation to change a practice that has caused untold harm to an uncountable number of young Jewish couples.  

When I started this blog about 10 years ago, I noted that there are many occasions where the accepted norms of modern halacha create situations that seem either immoral, harmful, or illogical.  I have maintained since beginning of this blog that I was going to analyze the Halachic sources according to what I called the "five principles of rationalist medical halacha".  I hope and pray that with my analyses here that I help stimulate more halachic research so that we can be intellectually honest and rational about the halachic conclusions that we live by.  In this way, we can maintain both the integrity of the religion we have inherited from our ancestors, and at the same time we can build healthy and productive lives for our generation and all future generations that follow us.