The First Time

After my discussion of the issue of male masturbation a few weeks ago, I have been inundated with requests to discuss issues related to sexuality in the Orthodox world. I wanted to move on to other topics, but apparently there is a huge need to discuss these topics, so this blog series is a response to that need.  I recently listened to this podcast here which was a Zoom panel discussion regarding many sexual problems that plague the Orthodox community.  The panel was inspired by the Netflix series "Unorthodox".  Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum of the Intimate Judaism blog hosted several experts, all of whom were incredibly qualified and articulate and had so many important things to say.  I was blown away by the amount of material they covered, and I wasn't sure where to start.   

I asked myself, "What role would my blog have in helping to tackle this issue?" The answer was obvious.  The panelists were all mental health professionals (with the exception of Rabbi Kahn) who treat patients from the Orthodox communities that need help navigating issues related to sexual intimacy.  Every single one of the panelists were committed to Halacha, but they all noted that many of the problems they deal with are a result of the Halachic parameters that are brought into the marriage from day one.  The origins of these Halachic parameters are complex, and the way they are taught and understood are complex as well.  Unfortunately, for various reasons, these have resulted in certain dysfunctions and difficulties that these therapists had to struggle with as they treated their patients.  I urge you to listen to the podcast before you continue reading this blog.

I share the desire to follow Halacha.  However,  I have argued before, and will continue to argue that a rationalist approach to these Halakhot is the only way to find real solutions to these problems. We need to be intellectually honest about these Halakhot so that we can stay true to the tenets of Orthodox Judaism while finding real solutions.

Repeatedly, the panelists discussed the issue of the first intercourse between a new husband and wife.  The pressure to "get it done" is immense, and it has many negative effects on the marriage.  I refer you to the podcast to understand why this is such a big problem. They are therapists and explain very clearly why this is such a problem. My place is to explain the Halachic origins of this issue, and how a rationalistic analysis may be able to "change the Halachic paradigm".  I have done this on this blog for the issues of male masturbation, treating gentiles on shabbat, organ donations, and abortion.  I will now do this for these issues as well. So, let us trace the laws of "the first intercourse" and see how they became what they are today, and decide if it does indeed need to be that way. Maybe a new analysis can help solve this dilemma.

First, an all too brief summary of the Halacha that is at the heart of the issue. There is a biblical law against a husband and wife having sexual intercourse while she is menstruating.  In an "ideal" case, a new bride and groom have not had sexual intercourse (with anyone) prior to their wedding.  When a woman has sex for the first time, there is sometimes a small amount of bleeding due to the tearing of the hymen.  The law is that we consider this blood to be menstrual blood. Thus, after the first intercourse the bride immediately becomes a niddah and is prohibited to her husband until she counts seven "clean" days and goes to the mikvah.  Only after that can the couple begin a "normal' intimate relationship where every time they have intercourse she doesn't automatically become a niddah again.  

Therefore, you can imagine the pressure to "get it over with" for the first time. Obviously, things are much more complicated.  We are going to take a journey down this road in the upcoming series of posts and explain where all this comes from and answer all your questions.

Before we even start our analysis, I need to dispel one major misconception.  Some people think that a marriage is not fully "consummated" until there is an act of intercourse between the newlyweds.  This is completely not true.  The wedding ceremony itself is all that is necessary for a marriage to be a legal and Halachic marriage. This ceremony includes the exchange of an item of value (typically a ring) and the "chuppah" ceremony which includes the "Yichud" (where the couple spends some time alone).  Even were a couple to never have sexual intercourse, they would still be fully married.   

Now we can begin our journey.

Here are some of the questions we will tackle during this new series of posts.

1.     Why is the hymenal bleeding considered like Niddah blood (clearly it is not menstrual blood)? What is the origin of this idea?

2.     why is she forbidden to the husband even if there is no bleeding with the first intercourse? When and why did this become "normative"?

3.     Does the new couple really have to have sex right away, why can't they wait a little until they are more comfortable with each other?

4.     Can the new couple engage in other sexual activity that doesn't include vaginal intercourse in order to delay the niddah prohibition?  If not, why not?

5.     Is it possible that entirely new halachic paradigm, consistent with halachic sources might be a reasonable alternative?

I hope you enjoy this new topic.