It should be obvious that the Shulchan Aruch is by far not the last word in the Halacha, and that things have continued to develop over the next 500 years. On the other hand, this is a blog, and my purpose is to develop ideas, specifically ideas that relate to Jewish law as it intersects with topics of medical interest, and to attempt to develop these ideas in a rationalistic manner. I think that what I have developed so far in all of the preceding posts, are two very different concepts regarding male masturbation and how this activity should be treated by a Jew who wishes to observe the Halacha. Our Halachic analysis so far is enough to make the basic point I have been trying to get to in this blog.
I have recently been introduced to the work of an amazing woman, Talli Rosenbaum, and her writings on this subject. The reason why her writings are so important is because she explores the negative potential effects that the misconception of the "sin" of "spilling seed" can have on sexual development and marital relationships. Please check her website here for more resources, and I particularly recommend this podcast.
The two different Halachic approaches that we have developed would have a significantly different impact on the sexual and psychological health of Orthodox Jewish society. I will admit upfront that I am not a social scientist, nor am I a sex therapist. I also don't have lots of data and studies to back up the assertions I am about to make. I am a physician, and I do have Rabbinic ordination, and I do have significant familiarity with Orthodox sexual dysfunction from a clinical perspective and from my knowledge of the community. Those are both my credentials and my limitations.
The prevailing Halachic paradigm that dominates the general understanding of most Halacha observant Jewry is the one established by the Shulchan Aruch. We just finished describing how this developed in the preceding series of posts. Allow me to summarize the basic tenets of this paradigm, which I will call the SAP (Shulchan Aruch Paradigm).
The SAP posits that any ejaculation outside of vaginal intercourse in the context of marriage is a sin. The SAP holds that this was indeed the sin of Er and Onan which resulted in their deaths. The SAP holds that this was the sin of the flood which resulted in the destruction of almost all life on the planet. The SAP holds that extra-vaginal ejaculation produces demons that taunt the individual into the next world. The SAP teaches that extra-vaginal ejaculation is akin to murder, and included in the Ten Commandments. The SAP does not permit any other form of sexual activity between husband and wife other than vaginal intercourse.
It would be impossible to overestimate the negative effects of these ideas on the sexual and psychological health of the Halacha-observant public. First let us focus on the single young man and what this can do to his psychological health. Imagine the guilt of a young man who masturbates occasionally. If he is able to open a Shulchan Aruch and read, if he is yeshiva educated, the overwhelming guilt can be awful. The normal experiences and desires of an adolescent male (or even mature adult male) have suddenly become the source of the "worst sin in the Torah".
Then try to imagine how many destructive paths this can take. The guilt can in some cases lead to a feeling of despair. "If I can't fight these urges, I am a failure at being an observant Jew, and why even bother?" Such a person could be led into a very depressed rebellion against his heritage, a failure of a Jew. Alternatively, it could lead to open rebellion. "The Torah must be nonsense if it prohibits normal and harmless natural behavior." "If I can violate the worst sin in the Torah and nothing happens, I an violate any Torah prohibition!" "If the Torah prohibits this, than all of the Torah's laws could be nonsense too." Among those young men who don't want to leave the Torah lifestyle, imagine the cognitive dissonance such a problem can cause? The shame, depression, confusion and despair can be overwhelming. I would like to suggest the following link for more detailed discussion of these issues.
Now let's follow this young man forward in his life. He is taught that he needs a spouse in order to prevent sin. So that his natural urge to have sex and experience ejaculation can have a "permissible outlet". Is he seeking marriage in order to have a fulfilling relationship with another human being? Regarding the important sexual aspect of this relationship, is there an understanding that her purpose is not just to help himself? Does he realize that she is an individual of equal importance who deserves to have a satisfying sexual relationship just as much as he does? does he recognize that the Torah requires him to make her happy sexually, and that she is much much much more than just a "receptacle" so that his ejaculation is now deemed "kosher"?
What about the young woman? Is she taught that she must be available for him just to save him from sin? What does that mean for her own enjoyment? what if she is taught that she must even endure pain and discomfort in order to save him? Is she ever allowed to say , "no" or "not now"? Does she ever learn what a sexual relationship is supposed to be? There is so much to write, so much to think about. I refer you to Talli Rosenbaum's site for more discussion. In particular, please check this link. I can't do it justice, but I can highlight some of this in order to get you thinking.
Now let us rewind a bit in Halachic time. Let us go back to the days before the Zohar came onto the Halachic scene, to the days of what I am going to call the OMP (the Original Maimonidean Paradigm).
The OMP posits that one should not deliberately stoke his sexual desires because that can lead to immorality. The OMP teaches that the sin of Er and Onan was that they deliberately engaged in a sexual relationship with the express purpose of avoiding procreation, Tamar was a sexual plaything to them, for enjoyment only. This is why they were put to death by God. The OMP teaches that as long as one is engaged in sexual activity in an appropriate relationship, there is no sin of "spilling seed", and any type of sexual activity is acceptable. The OMP also recommends early marriage, but not to prevent masturbation, rather it is to prevent the risk of promiscuity and other sexual sins. The OMP explicitly uses the concurrent medical understanding to recommend only infrequent ejaculations. The OMP explicitly also draws upon the contemporaneous medical ideas to recommend regular, just not excessive ejaculations to avoid what was believed to be the buildup of negative factors when one does not ejaculate often enough. According to the OMP, there is no sin of masturbation for a single man, the only concern is the deliberate stoking of sexual desire for the reason stated above.
Just as it was impossible to overestimate the negative effects of the general acceptance of the SAP, it is equally impossible to overestimate the positive effects of adopting the OMP.
Here goes. Our hypothetical young man understands that this is a natural process, and that occasional ejaculation is completely normal, even healthy. He now understands that the problem is to engage in practices that lead to sexually unhealthy activities, not the "spilling of seed". Such things would include turning to the all-too-available pornography, which can lead to unhealthy and dangerous ideas about sex. This would certainly be something to avoid. On the other hand, normal exposure to members of the female gender, that may occasionally lead to sexual thoughts, is completely normal as long as such social encounters will lead one day to a healthy, safe appropriate relationship.
When it comes to marriage, he may learn that any sexual practice is completely normal, and that he should do whatever he and his wife find to be satisfying and enjoyable. He will also learn that a woman is to be respected as a partner, not a purely sexual being as Er and Onan treated Tamar. She is there for much more than just his sexual pleasure, she is there to build a life and family together with. This includes the Mitzvah to procreate.
The young woman will not be there to "save him from sin". If he needs "saving" and she is not in the mood, for whatever reason, he can either take a chill pill and be respectful or maybe engage with her in other activities that don't include unwanted penetration of her body, even if it means he will ejaculate extra-vaginally.
Furthermore, now that we know that there is nothing unhealthy about occasional masturbation, the Rambam's health related objections would no longer exist. The Rambam himself, it is well known, omitted from his Halachic code the "prohibition" of eating fish and meat together. This was because he understood that it was a health recommendation of the rabbis of the Talmud. Since the Rambam no longer felt it was a heath problem, it is no longer the Halacha. The Rambam, I would argue, would likely be consistent and have a completely different approach, as the health understanding of masturbation has dramatically changed.
The suggestion that there are torturing demon tormentors created every time someone masturbates would've sounded both foolish, and worse, even blasphemous to the Rambam.
Poof. We just solved a major dilemma. Go back to the basics. Allow me to adjust a common Halachic phrase to our situation:
כדאי הם התלמוד בּבלי והרמבּ״ם והר״י הזקן והתוספות רי״ד לסמוך עליהם בּשעת הדחק
The Babylonian Talmud, and Maimonides, and Rabbi Isaac the Elder, and Rabbi Isaiah Di Trani are adequate authorities for us to rely upon them in a time of need
I think anyone who reads Talli Rosenbaum's material would agree that this is a "time of need". If you disagree, fine, that is your right. But for those who agree with me that this is a time of need, Let's build on the OMP, the Original Maimonidean Paradigm. We can use the OMP as a basis to build a healthy sexuality among our youth, and our families and couples. People should be taught to avoid sexual immorality, sexual exploitation, sexual abuse, and unhealthy sexual stress that builds up in dysfunctional families. Instead we should teach what healthy sexuality looks like, and how to make that happen.
I would like to inject some Kabbalistic ideas into the OMP though. However, it will have the opposite effect that the injection of the Zohar had on the development of the Shulchan Aruch Paradigm. Maimonides had a philosophical aversion to sex in general. He considered it a base activity, pretty much the lowest form of human behavior. In this he followed the philosophy of his mentor Aristotle. If you recall, we mentioned the Igerret HaKodesh in our past discussion of the Spanish kabbalists. The IH responded to the Rambam that the sexual act is not base at all. Rather it is a holy and beautiful act between two human beings, as long as there are proper intentions. If we inject this idea into the development of the OMP, we will find that any act between two loving human beings, in the context of a committed and loving relationship founded upon proper ideas and principles, is a beautiful and holy thing. It is to be celebrated and encouraged, regardless of where the semen happens to spill.
I do want to write a little more in the next post or two about some of the reasons why the SAP became dominant. I think we need to discuss the foreign influences, the influences of contemporaneous science etc before we leave this subject and move on.
I would also like to encourage people to comment and generate discussion. Whether you love what I have written, hate it, or anywhere in between, I want to hear from you. Generating discussion about these topics is one of my primary goals on this blog. Also, please feel free to suggest new topics. I am always open to ideas.
